Thoughts

It's crazy how so much can change in a year. One year ago my Dad passed away. It doesn't seem like it has been that long since I talked to him or spent so many days at the hospital in Pittsburgh with my sisters by his bed.  A year ago I lived in a different country, my husband was deployed, and I had just picked my son and his friend up from Sunday afternoon football practice when my sister called to let me know my Dad passed away.


I never thought we would make it though that week in Cleveland for Dad's services. I damn sure didn't think I would make it through going back to Lousyana and putting my husband back on a plane for six months and staying in that town and job ALONE. But I did. I made it. There were days where it was hard to get out of the bed and nights where I don't think I slept at all. Somehow I kept going and made it to work every day, kids got fed, and made it to practice and games, had clean clothes, and I even planted a garden. Looking back I have no idea how any of that happened. I only remember sitting on the couch crying and talking to my sisters day after day.

Now it has been a year and so much has changed. There are days when I think I need to call Dad and tell him this or that. I may not cry every day like I did in the beginning, but I still feel the loss every day. Some days I feel it more strongly than others. When I went to look at my new house the street name reminded me of Rush Limbaugh, who Dad used to listen to, I immediately thought oh I gotta call Dad and tell him the name of my street. That thought was instantly replaced with oh shit I can't do that anymore, and tears.

Seeing the word Dad written down makes me teary eyed every time. I hate going to the hospital or Dr. office. I especially hate when they ask you did anyone in your family die unexpectedly or from unknown causes. I guess they don't expect you to say yes. It's been a year and I still can't answer that without crying. They say time heals all wounds. I am not sure if there is enough time in the world to heal the wound you feel from such a loss.

R.I.P Dad.